A Few Of My Thoughts On Singleness.

I wrote a piece on marriage and I learned a lot more on the topic in interacting with you on and off the internet.

If you are single or single again and absolutely dread this season then read on. Also, be open to embrace a different perspective from what you currently have.

sin·gle
adjective; unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.

If you fit the definition, then this one is for you us.

The misconception in this definition among us; the single people of the world, is the belief that being single is only THE preparatory phase before marriage. What I know is this; to some singleness is a season – because it may not last forever, but to others, it will never end (as there are some people who will be single forever). This last category is certainly NOT mine as there is a marriage in my future *insert praise break* .

Either way, the quickest route to unhappiness during your single months/years is to believe the false narrative that your “wholeness” will only be found within a relationship. Or that you’ll not be complete until you have a wife or a husband. This mindset will leave you feeling unfulfilled and “wanting” for a long time. It is also more likely to leave you wasting time and energy on dreams of a better future while failing to maximize the present.

Contrary to marriage, I have the greatest experience with the dictionary definition of being single as I’m still unmarried. Single people like me date when we choose to and choose to remain alone when we feel necessary. I do believe that every adult mature single person is single by CHOICE first before circumstance.

That was deep, read that last line again.

Yes, some single people have made the choice to wait on God. Others have chosen to be undecided about all those whom God has brought into their lives. Others have chosen to seek a goal (education, world travel, mission work, deployment, careers, success, financial achievements) first over a committed relationship. Some have been left feeling limited by circumstances i.e. lack, loss, sickness, deployment etc. A special few have not matured enough to understand the basis of human interpersonal relationships, trust and commitment, and they are better alone. This was the most polite and possibly godly way I could describe a selfish lust-filled heart.

I’ve been blessed with few godly friends who are happily married. They’ve shown me the beauty of what marriage can offer and that’s great. In discussing with some of them, they’ve re emphasized the things they wish they could’ve done during their single years. Despite this, we, single millennials tend to whine the most about how alone, bored and dejected this phase of life is. I decided to compile a list of what I think single people have the advantage of doing. These things can be done in marriage too but this post is for singles. Hello!

  1. Deepen Your Spiritual Walk.

Rejection, disappointment and regret has left a lot of single people with a skewed definition of love. Some can no longer perceive and receive true love even when it is offered to them. I always say there are so many broken good looking people walking around and their healing will only occur in the presence of God. The single season is the perfect time to bind up spiritual wounds. The scars from previously broken relationships are deeply rooted and are way beyond physical as we can rarely see them.

Psalm 147:3 (NIV)

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.

Loneliness seems to be another reason single people become frustrated. I think this is because we are constantly looking for fulfillment and approval in another person or next big thing. Deepening our walk with God can bring us into a new dimension of self realization that allows us to be content and manifest God’s will for our life even while we are unmarried. When you’re single you have the advantage of time. Time to learn about what you’ve believed in as a child. Time to seek God for yourself. Time to serve at your church. Time to invest in others. Time to give back to your community. Maximize the time now or you’ll seek to reclaim it later – just ask the married people.

2. Discover You.

Be alone for a season. Being alone will allow you the mental space to heal your soul first. Then you’ll be mentally stable to prepare for your relationship future. Try it. Use this alone time to recalibrate your inner compass. Dig introspectively at your past failures (school, family, greatest disappointments, loss, work, relationships, finances). Then, find where you failed, and once you do that – seek solutions. Do it for yourself first, do this to make yourself whole again. If you cannot enjoy your company as a single you’ll be a miserable married person. You need to be better for yourself before you can be of value to another person.

2. Discover Your Purpose.

Find parts of your “WHY” during this time. What on earth are you here for? Seek to answer this question in the presence of God. You won’t be able to answer it all at once but start somewhere, somehow. Just start. To me, purpose aligns when you realize the valuable skill that you can’t live without expressing.

3. Build Up Your Purpose.

Once you discover parts of your purpose, it will continue to grow and evolve. Just one step at a time. Purpose is like a baby; it grows, transforms and develops over time. Begin with what you know during this season, work hard with it and it will birth a new season in due time. Nobody really knows when due time will come for you.

4. (Re)create Valuable Relationships.

Reconnect with family. Establish trust worthy friendships. Build a circle of confidants. Network and grow your business, company or audience. Establish relationships that serve you and make you better. Also expect to serve, nurture and feed these relationships in return. It’s a two way street. One of the main reasons single people feel lonely is because they discard the importance of basic platonic friendships and relationships. Not every encounter with a person of the opposite sex should be expected to lead into a relationship. You should select your circle and certainly do away with those that do not align with where you’re headed.

4. Invest Into Your Future.

This is the prime time to form healthy habits. Invest in your mind and develop your character. Work on yourself in every aspect. Find interest in extracurricular activities of your choice and create hobbies from them. Seek to enjoy your simple life! As a doctor, I certainly recommend an advanced education or degree but this also is NOT for everyone. Perfect an art, a trade, gift or talent. Maybe you’re a single parent- raise those kids the best way you know how. Create a financial plan. Pay off debt. Travel and explore. Learn about your culture, town or country. Save a whole bunch of money. Get on track with your health and fitness.

5. Expose Yourself To New Experiences.

Defeat your internal stereotypes. Leave your comfort zone. Step out into the unknown for once. I recommend that every millennial should live away from home for at least a few months. That aloneness and independence will help you build courage that’ll serve you when you’re with another. In service to others; you’ll find new ways to feel fulfilled and God has a way of rewarding service to Him.

I’ll like to know what you think about the single season. Leave a comment below.

Nina.

9 Comments

  1. Ana 09/17/2017 / 5:06 am

    Nina..this really spoke volumes to me. As a single 30 +(divorced) African woman, being single is not at all ever seen as a blessing in our culture. But it was just recently (literally) days ago I came to the revelation as to why I feel God wants me single in this season of my life. Much of it has to do of what you mentioned. God ordained us for greatness, and at times He will remove things (people) from our lives solely because He wants us to hear from and depend only on Him.(praise break). I literally appreciate this single (silent) season so much more. Thank you for confirming what God has already told me. Please continue to encourage other woman as God leads you. I am also in pursuit of medicine..as a 3rd year student.

    • ninotswalk 09/17/2017 / 12:18 pm

      Ana, thanks for being vulnerable to share this with me. You’re correct; culture doesn’t allow a lot of things but we get to determine how we will feel through the different seasons of life. Society’s standards do not equate the plan of God for our individual lives. And I wish you the very best with medical school!!!

  2. franklin 09/17/2017 / 2:22 pm

    Contentment not an emotion but a choice.
    I think this is one of the principles one can learn during this time of their lives. 😊

    • ninotswalk 09/17/2017 / 4:27 pm

      I agree. The goal should be – to remain content in every circumstance.

      • SG 09/19/2017 / 6:18 am

        So true.

  3. Bee 10/09/2017 / 9:58 am

    Wow this is surreal. I am a Cameroonian young woman (30) living in the Netherlands (as for now).
    I discovered your profile on Asos (lol)…While looking for a dress to wear to a wedding that will take place in the USA in 1 month. I wanted to see how others worn the dress I was looking at when I saw your picture with the indication “ninot”. Don’t know how/why but I went on to search for your Instagram account through google. And here I am!
    I am glad that I found you because I spent the last days crying myself to sleep for a recent failed relationship. I believe in God and when that last one “started” in 2016, it was right after a prayer where I was asking God to bring “the one” that will come to stay in my life…At last.
    Before “him”, I’ve never really dated because of my convictions and also the fact that I wanted to grow in my career as an Auditor. Which I am glad I did…But hey last year I really felt that my focus was changing, and that I was finally in a place where getting married was MY next step…So to end up heart broken (for the 1st time) at 30 is definitely not easy. I’ve never cried over a relationship before. And I’ve never cried that much in my life so far.
    I am just glad I found you…Your view on singleness is refreshing and I particularly appreciate the fact that you are talking while still walking this road yourself. And the fact that you also came from a Cameroonian background, and are successful in your career certainly help me to relate even more. Stay blessed.

    • ninotswalk 10/09/2017 / 12:04 pm

      It amazing how you stumbled on my blog from dress shopping! I am also excited to know that this post was able to speak to you in a very unique way. I understand your pain/fears and that is probably why I was able to write this post from another perspective seeing as I have been in your position before. There is a lot more out here for us, this phase of life wouldnt last forever. I am sorry about the heartbreak you experienced but believe that something bigger and better is on the other side of your emotional healing. It is well.

      • Bee 10/09/2017 / 2:30 pm

        Thank you very much for your kind words.
        Just last week, I almost lost it when my dad told me that “something better” was coming my way after this. This morning I am glad that you told me the same thing and that I am able to accept it for what it is. Letting go is definitely not easy for the control freak that I’ve always been. Dealing with failure when I have the impression that I did everything according to the books is another struggle. But after reading your comment and few others posts online (that I also found very randomly…really without looking because reading about “breakups” is def. not what I wanted to do today) I am now in a place where I can see God behind this. I finally found the strength to tell one of my close friends about the breakup and face her reaction. I don’t see how it can be, but I have decided few minutes ago to believe that if he is out of my life, it means that he was not part of the good plan God had in store for me. It’s very difficult to fathom but I’ve also decided to believe that the one that IS part of the plan will come…Now that ‘he’ is out. I may never understand why I had to go through this…But it should lead to me a better place as I am supposed to go from glory to glory. I’ve finally realized that since I was happy before him, I should definitely be happier after…Moving forwards does not seem easy, but someone just gave me Psaume 34:18 and I’ll stand on that word until I make it to the other side. Sigh.
        Stay blessed ♥. I am thankful to God that a simple yellow dress on Asos brough me here. It kind of reminds me that He is holding my hand, every step of the way…

        • ninotswalk 10/09/2017 / 7:11 pm

          God be with you sis! God’s got you!!

Tell me what you think.